We found out that I was pregnant in July 2010. It was unplanned, but we both wanted this baby very, very much and soon became very excited. We began thinking about names as my belly grew. The only name we had decided on was a girls name: Emily. Then we quickly decided on my Mom’s middle name as hers since my Mom passed in September 2008: Elaine. Emily Elaine seemed to be the perfect name. I was high risk because of AMA (advanced maternal age) so I had extra blood work and ultrasounds, and opted to have an amnio to check for any birth defects. Everything came back perfect, and in fact, she was a girl, and measuring big! Our only concern was labor and delivery of a large baby.
At my last ultrasound by the specialist at 22 weeks I was told everything was perfect and I didn’t have to return until my OB referred me when I was further along. We were over the moon. After all, when the high risk specialist tells you everything is perfect, why would you worry? What could possibly go wrong?
Soon all of our innocence and naive thoughts would be forever shattered. The words, “Enjoy your pregnancy now!” still rings in my ears, the words from the nurse informing me that the amnio came back perfect.
This is the beginning of my life irrevocably changing as I become a new person, a new me that I am becoming because I will never be the same as I was before. Who will I be? I’m not sure, but this is the beginning of my journey. What I have learned is called “the new normal.” I do know that I will always be Emily’s mother, and my life will never be completely whole again, that I will learn how to continue to live with a piece of my soul, my heart waiting for me in eternity.