Today is my Due date and I can’t get it out of my mind. It was the first thing I thought of and I’m sure will be the last thing I think of tonight. I have a candle to light for her later when I am home.
It is Dr. Suess day at school. I remember thinking how wonderful that was. My baby’s due date on Dr. Seuss day. I loved to read, and saw this as a sign that she would too.
My maternity leave would have begun without a doubt by today. I should be home with a newborn, or in the hospital preparing for her arrival, not about the best time to light a candle to remember her by, next to her urn.
I clearly see the before and after Emily time now. Before she was born, I stared at my phone, so excited, the app with my due date, to see how big she was and how many weeks to go. Today was supposed to have been the most important day of our lives. Instead, after Emily, it became a countdown to certain grief, anger, sadness for what wasn’t going to be.
Before Emily I religiously read What to Expect, and did everything they said. Now I read Dr. Collins the “Silent risk” about umbilical cord complications, and research my blood clotting disorder, making notes. Now I have notes and questions compiled to ask the hematologist and my Ob’s while I begin interviewing them this week instead of What to Expect the first year, and breastfeeding tips and notes, and a completed nursery.
his is such a sad day, and I’ve heard the first ones are, so here I go, about to experience what no mother should. No one here even remembers, or if they do they are ignoring it. God forbid THEY get uncomfortable. Ok, I have to go, please pray for me today!!
I miss you so much baby Emily, and I love you dearly. I wish with all my heart and soul things had turned out differently. They didn’t, so now I carry you forever in my heart, instead of in my arms, but I will never love you any differently. I will never forget you. I love you forever and ever. Love, Mommy.