I realized that lately (with the help of a friend!) all I have been doing is copying and posting poems and sayings from other people. I think that is the “easy way out” for me, copying what I am feeling without the process of writing what I am feeling and continuing to work through my grief. Grief is a process that right now seems as vast as the skies above, seemingly unending. I have been told that it is more managable over time, and I believe that, however I need to work through my emotions until I get there. I have been told that this far out since Emily’s death that I have been relatively positive, and although I don’t feel that way, I’m glad to know that I have some of that positive in me somewhere. I believe it is because I have been through grief before, and recognize some aspects of it since my mother’s death two and a half years ago. That is different in its’ own way. The death of my mother is more of a death in the past, and all of my memories in the past, and Emily’s death is a death in the future.
I decided to talk about how I feel about what sucks now, what sucks for all of us angel moms after the death of our babies.
- 1. It SUCKS losing baby weight with no baby.
- 2. It SUCKED after Emily died that my milk came in without being able to feed my baby.
- 3. It sucks that I’m going to be 36 tomorrow and instead of thinking about working on baby #2 we are grieving that baby and still planning #1,
- It sucks that with my age the chance of having a statistically healthy baby continues to decline when Emily should already be here.
- It sucks to be working on remembering Emily when I should be making memories WITH her!
- It sucks that Mother’s Day is coming up, and although I AM a mother no one will recognize that.
- It sucks that people avoid me as if I am contagious and won’t look me in the eye or talk to me. The reality is that 1:165 babies born are stillborn (March of Dimes website stats).
- It SUCKS to be left out of baby showers and other invitations that have to be done with my friend’s baby. I want to be included, I LOVE babies and want to celebrate babies born and healthy.
- It SUCKS that NO ONE says Emily’s name or asks about her, or what I went through (OK, not everyone, but 99% that are not other angel moms).
- It SUCKS that if I barely mention Emily’s name, or birth that people actually RUN and change the subject as if it is taboo.
- It SUCKS that people think of their comfort before my own, I AM the one whose baby died!
- It SUCKS that Emily’s death was preventable but our health care insurance companies decide what is part of the “normal screenings” and we are unaware of the dangers out there!
I feel better! I think I will add onto this as I feel something new! I do want to give a shout out (you know who you are!) to all of you that have been incredibly supportive of myself and Alex during this time. I would like you to know that in my experience you are the exception, and not the rule and I truly appreciate you!