Here’s What Sucks- right now

I realized that lately (with the help of a friend!) all I have been doing is copying and posting poems and sayings from other people. I think that is the “easy way out” for me, copying what I am feeling without the process of writing what I am feeling and continuing to work through my grief. Grief is a process that right now seems as vast as the skies above, seemingly unending. I have been told that it is more managable over time, and I believe that, however I need to work through my emotions until I get there. I have been told that this far out since Emily’s death that I have been relatively positive, and although I don’t feel that way, I’m glad to know that I have some of that positive in me somewhere. I believe it is because I have been through grief before, and recognize some aspects of it since my mother’s death two and a half years ago. That is different in its’ own way. The death of my mother is more of a death in the past, and all of my memories in the past, and Emily’s death is a death in the future.

I decided to talk about how I feel about what sucks now, what sucks for all of us angel moms after the death of our babies.

  • 1. It SUCKS losing baby weight with no baby.
  • 2. It SUCKED after Emily died that my milk came in without being able to feed my baby.
  • 3. It sucks that I’m going to be 36 tomorrow and instead of thinking about working on baby #2 we are grieving that baby and still planning #1,
  • It sucks that with my age the chance of having a statistically healthy baby continues to decline when Emily should already be here.
  • It sucks to be working on remembering Emily when I should be making memories WITH her!
  • It sucks that Mother’s Day is coming up, and although I AM a mother no one will recognize that.
  • It sucks that people avoid me as if I am contagious and won’t look me in the eye or talk to me. The reality is that 1:165 babies born are stillborn (March of Dimes website stats).
  • It SUCKS to be left out of baby showers and other invitations that have to be done with my friend’s baby. I want to be included, I LOVE babies and want to celebrate babies born and healthy.
  • It SUCKS that NO ONE says Emily’s name or asks about her, or what I went through (OK, not everyone, but 99% that are not other angel moms).
  • It SUCKS that if I barely mention Emily’s name, or birth that people actually RUN and change the subject as if it is taboo.
  • It SUCKS that people think of their comfort before my own, I AM the one whose baby died!
  • It SUCKS that Emily’s death was preventable but our health care insurance companies decide what is part of the “normal screenings” and we are unaware of the dangers out there!

    I feel better! I think I will add onto this as I feel something new! I do want to give a shout out (you know who you are!) to all of you that have been incredibly supportive of myself and Alex during this time. I would like you to know that in my experience you are the exception, and not the rule and I truly appreciate you!


    About nicole410

    This is my story about the journey I am on after the stillborn death of my daughter. I am a teacher and live and work in the Atlanta area. On December 28, 2010 my entire live was turned upside down and sideways when my daughter Emily was born sleeping at 30 weeks and 6 days. I'm struggling and learning how to live without my precious baby girl. I have been diagnosed with Prothrombin Gene mutation, Factor 2 Mutation, a genetic blood clotting disorder.
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    3 Responses to Here’s What Sucks- right now

    1. Sharon says:

      Dear friend, sometimes the words of others are all we can come up with and they express, just as well if not better, what we are feeling. Thank you for sharing this, people NEED to know these things and NEED to know what’s in your heart! Just remember, YOU ARE AND FOREVER WILL BE A MOTHER even on Mother’s Day because you conceived and loved a child! Anyone who does not count you as a mother is a fool. Keep writing AND sharing ANY materials or resources that help you are express what you are feeling and don’t let ANYONE’s thoughts and feelings toward YOUR grieving process sway you from doing what YOU have to do to take care of YOU! You are the ONLY Mother to know what it’s like to lose your daughter Emily. No one else can define your grief but you! HUGS HUGS and MORE AND MORE HUGS!! I am here for you! 🙂 Sharon

    2. Amy von Oven says:

      GRIEF TAKES TIME and NO ONE can put a time limit on that, NO ONE! YOU are a mother and EMILY had and HAS a purpose in this WOrld, Her life is not in vain. You are her voice even if people do not want to listen, WE have to make them listen. She is a part of you, a GREAT part of you that you should NEVER let go of or give up, NEVER!!!! Writing is a great way to heal over time, express your heart, the good, bad and ugly. I pray for GOd to give you strength when you feel weak, I pray for a peace that only He can give. I pray for others to see the amazing mother that Emily has that you are not willing to just let her go….Be proud of her and yourself for that, THAT IS STRENGTH!!!! 🙂

    3. Laura says:

      Hey, Just want to tell you that I have been thing of you and Emily! I sent you a message the other day with a picture that my frinds had done for me, I love it so much I had to share. Every thing you said SUCKS does so very baddly it sucks and its just not fair! Not fair that it happens so often and to such good people not that I would wish it on anyone but if it has to happen take the babies that the parents are drug users and abusiers help keep them from the abuse that they will have to endure!
      As far as people talking to you. Hopefully your true freinds still are and the ones who are not they may not want to say the wrong thing before it happened to me and it had to a friend I did talk to her but I stupidly said how are you doing and after I thought really how do I think she doing. Some people just have not Idea. I actually had a lady the other day almost argue with me the worst part is she knows me and knew what happen she was just stupid!!! She said so how old are your kids now and I said 7 and 4 and Justin would be 3 months she said oh there getting big so big so this is your baby pointing at my four year old, I have a pin with Justin’s picture on it so I pointed to it and said no this is my baby she said ya but now this is your baby I keep say no this is but she just kept saying yes but now he(4yr old) is your baby. I wanted to smack her and say lissen Yes he is my child but I have 3 children Justin lives in Heaven but he is still my baby! After talking to her I wish she would of just not said anything!!!!!!!!!!!!

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