I had a good week at work. I have found that my students help me heal in so many ways. I have one first grade student that says every two weeks or so, “I miss Emily.” So do I, I tell her. One other time she said she wanted to know who she looked like and was sad she didn’t know. (OH, how I LOVE this child!) I told her that she looked just like her Daddy but had my eye shape. “Oh great!” She said and her beautiful face actually lit up.
Yesterday another student told me I looked sad and why? (First grade again, what I have found is my healing grade). I simply looked at her and before I could answer she said, “Oh! I know why! You miss your baby!” “Yes,” I told her. She looked at me wisely and said,”I know, if I had a baby and it died I would be sad too.” It is that simple, that honest, and that true. I love these children so much, adults could learn so much from them!
On another note I have been having nightmares for some time now. I can’t remember them, but I know that Alex becomes startled and wakes me. I have actually been waking up screaming. I’ve never done that before. I discussed this with my group and have found that this is normal and common. It is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and is common after a traumatic event such as a stillbirth. I wonder when, or of, I will ever have a peaceful sleep again?
I had my first yoga class this week. I have always had a “high strung, nervous” temperament. My Mother did too, so I come by it honestly. I need to know how to relax, to calm, to be able to find quiet and peace in my mind and body. During my beginners yoga classes while she was teaching how to breathe and stretching postures, I was in the back of the room, and began to quietly weep. It happened off and on during the class in my quiet gentle movements and breathing as I relaxed body and mind. I’m glad the instructor didn’t point it out, as it seemed that I needed to do this. It felt like a cleansing of my mind and I am glad that I decided to learn yoga. I wonder how long this will continue, and if I will always weep during yoga?
I have been doing a lot of wondering, as you see in this post and in several others. While grief is not new to me, it is in term of my child’s death. I am continuing this journey and reflecting on my thoughts and feelings which is helping a lot, especially as time continues on and I learn to live without Emily. We’ll see how it goes and who I will become, I’m interested to know the “new me” that I am becoming. A better person, I hope, someone Emily would be proud to call her mother.
On another note I am looking forward to the new movie with Nicole Kidman called, “Rabbit Hole” about the death of her child. I have been told that everyone who has had a child die can relate to this movie. I hope it brings awareness to the general public about how the mind of a grieving mother thinks and how to best support her.