Teachers can be a bit of control freaks, and a bit perfectionists. We can’t help it, that’s how we are, and it is reinforced through our job when we get the best results from our students because of these characteristics.
Since I returned back to work from my 6 week maternity leave February 9, 2011, I felt that part of me sliding away. I tried to hyper plan and constantly analyze my students, to grade, file, grade, file….Nope, it hasn’t been working and it IS out of my control.
The paperwork??? Stack and stack and stack. I’ve never had so many piles before in my life. I grade them, I use the papers to teach or reinforce them, then I stack. My room is messy. I don’t have the energy to file and file and file. I leave after school because I need to get home. I do my lesson plans and if I’m lucky I’m two days ahead of them having everything ready.
I have some stacks at home too. Luckily I have Alex here and he is good at going through the mail, or putting my clothes where they belong. He doesn’t touch the dishes though. On more than one occasion I have left a stack of dishes overnight (scandalous for me!) so I could watch tv or go to bed early. I make do with the clothes I have and do laundry less.
Yep, my life is filled with stacks and messes and I have learned that it is just too bad. I used to get panicked when I was barely behind in school or house work. I have learned that right now life is messy and I am doing the best I can. I have to be gentler and kinder to myself and let some things go to keep from having a total breakdown. I feel that I could. I feel like a strong wind or an emotional push could send me over the cliff into the darkest part of my grief and I may never come back out again.
So, my life is messy now and I am living with it and that IS OK. It is ok to let go some of my expectations of myself and just live through now. Because now is hard. Really hard. I miss her and how my life should be now and it is so sad to live each day how it is right now without Emily, and that this is how it will always be. I’m focusing on myself and it IS OK. I’m working out to feel better and it does help. I’m blogging and it helps.
Someday it will be easier to accept that I am always going to live without Emily, but until then it is ok to be messy and to take things one day at a time.