Empty Bottles

Empty Bottles

This is the second month I have done some things that may seem odd to some people. It may be odd. I don’t know. Right now, it seems like something I need to do. I have been buying baby bottles, and not just any kind of bottles! I remember when I was pregnant researching the best bottles, particularly for a breastfed baby, and saw great things about the Tommee Tippee Bottles. Oh, they are too expensive, I decided, and when I did my baby registry I just put Playtex on the list.

Well, a few weeks ago I was mad. Mad that I sat there and decided to get “inferior” (I’m sure they are perfectly fine!) bottles because of their cost. I went to Babies R Us and bought a newborn pack for sensitive stomach. Why? I don’t know, my sisters babies were gassy and fussy so mine probably would be too, right?

Now, will I even have a living child to use them? I don’t know. Can Emily ever use them? Of course not. I’m grief stricken, not insane (there is a difference). I can’t explain why I felt I HAD to get those bottles, but I did.

I remember at one support group meeting, my first meeting, there was a wonderful woman there who talked about buying baby things for her baby. She said to give yourself permission to, and go ahead and do it. You can donate it to charity later (or consign, that’s my thought also). Another woman I met told me she bought an item off her baby registry every month until she didn’t need to anymore.

I guess I’m not too strange, although I feel like it sometimes. It feels odd, off center, to be buying bottles for yourself and not a baby. Well, it is backwards actually, isn’t it? I SHOULD have a baby here right now using them all up and keeping me busy every second of the day, but life isn’t fair and nothing is guaranteed, and that is a fact. You can be given something infinitely precious, and it can be yanked back forever in just a few months (or moments) time.

So today, right after Mother’s Day (yep, it totally sucked not to have my Mom or baby here to share it with. We kept busy working in the garden all weekend) and a looonnngg day at work I passed by Babies R Us again. I went inside again, and got another pack of bottles (3 pack of 5 oz. The other kit only had 1 5 oz. bottle and that didn’t feel like enough for me) and then I got a 2 pack of medium nipples. I walked around looking at things and then passed the bedding section. OH how thrilled I was when I finally ordered her bedding set! It is so beautiful, it’s still in her room, laid out and untouched. I wanted the entire theme and hadn’t purchased it yet, and didn’t know if I would have been able. It’s gorgeous, but pricy, and today it was on clearance. Yes, you all know what I did. I picked up the wall decals, the matching plush blanket, and the crib sheet. They were out of the mobile or i would have gotten that too.

How long will I do this? How long will I keep her things? I don’t know. I feel that I need to have them and hold onto them now. I know at my support group they said do not take anything out until you feel ok to do it. I don’t feel ok about anything now, except a relief that I bought these things. It could be because I am upset that I had to call and cancel my baby registries within a week of setting them up. It could be that I feel so heartbroken that she didn’t have her party, her celebration. I know it’s hard for women that have had their showers to look at the nursery and all the things in preparation that they can’t use. For me, since I didn’t have a shower I am upset about NOT having things for her, to get ready for her. I was waiting for my shower, to see what I needed after, and I feel guilty that I was so focused on money and how to afford my 12 week maternity leave. *sigh* This is a lose-lose situation. The only way to win, to feel better would be for Emily to be alive here with me, and since that is not reality I have to settle for these empty bottles, this empty life without her.


About nicole410

This is my story about the journey I am on after the stillborn death of my daughter. I am a teacher and live and work in the Atlanta area. On December 28, 2010 my entire live was turned upside down and sideways when my daughter Emily was born sleeping at 30 weeks and 6 days. I'm struggling and learning how to live without my precious baby girl. I have been diagnosed with Prothrombin Gene mutation, Factor 2 Mutation, a genetic blood clotting disorder.
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4 Responses to Empty Bottles

  1. People grieve in their own ways. No one can tell you what makes or will make you feel better. I love how people will tell you how not to grieve or what not to do, but not give any suggestions on what to do. You don’t know what it’s like unless you have been through it. I’m assuming the need or urge to buy things will lessen over time, just like the pain. Do what makes you feel better!

  2. Sharon says:

    HUGS! I too bought one thing off of my registry each month (or were you talking about me LOL). I think I did it because I REFUSED to believe that I was going to remain motherless and that all of the things meant for Trey WOULD be used on his siblings. Do whatever you need to do to cope. It may be strange to some, even if they too have lost children, but if it gives you some solace, who cares! I’ll go with you and we’ll go on a shopping spree!! Be gentle on yourself and keep collecting things you will need for Emily’s rainbow sibling. It kept my spirits up to do so, giving me hope that one day my arms would be full again! HUGS and SMOOCHES!

  3. Sharon says:

    OOPS, I meant to say “I refused to believe that I would remain CHILDLESS”

  4. Amy von Oven says:

    You are doing what works for you, and that is ok! I did not know if I was having a boy or girl, but my heart said it was a girl, SO I had bought about 30 little girl outfits…I can’t get rid of them, EVER. they are Hers and I want them to stay in my family. It has been 2 years since Bethany dies and I still feel this way. I just now packed them in a box and decided I would keep them and store them for my hopefully future grandchildren one day, but I can’t get rid of them and I think that is ok. You are not strange, you are a MOTHER who is longing for her baby. In time you will know what is right for you and that is what you need to do. Praying for you!!!!

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