This is the second month I have done some things that may seem odd to some people. It may be odd. I don’t know. Right now, it seems like something I need to do. I have been buying baby bottles, and not just any kind of bottles! I remember when I was pregnant researching the best bottles, particularly for a breastfed baby, and saw great things about the Tommee Tippee Bottles. Oh, they are too expensive, I decided, and when I did my baby registry I just put Playtex on the list.
Well, a few weeks ago I was mad. Mad that I sat there and decided to get “inferior” (I’m sure they are perfectly fine!) bottles because of their cost. I went to Babies R Us and bought a newborn pack for sensitive stomach. Why? I don’t know, my sisters babies were gassy and fussy so mine probably would be too, right?
Now, will I even have a living child to use them? I don’t know. Can Emily ever use them? Of course not. I’m grief stricken, not insane (there is a difference). I can’t explain why I felt I HAD to get those bottles, but I did.
I remember at one support group meeting, my first meeting, there was a wonderful woman there who talked about buying baby things for her baby. She said to give yourself permission to, and go ahead and do it. You can donate it to charity later (or consign, that’s my thought also). Another woman I met told me she bought an item off her baby registry every month until she didn’t need to anymore.
I guess I’m not too strange, although I feel like it sometimes. It feels odd, off center, to be buying bottles for yourself and not a baby. Well, it is backwards actually, isn’t it? I SHOULD have a baby here right now using them all up and keeping me busy every second of the day, but life isn’t fair and nothing is guaranteed, and that is a fact. You can be given something infinitely precious, and it can be yanked back forever in just a few months (or moments) time.
So today, right after Mother’s Day (yep, it totally sucked not to have my Mom or baby here to share it with. We kept busy working in the garden all weekend) and a looonnngg day at work I passed by Babies R Us again. I went inside again, and got another pack of bottles (3 pack of 5 oz. The other kit only had 1 5 oz. bottle and that didn’t feel like enough for me) and then I got a 2 pack of medium nipples. I walked around looking at things and then passed the bedding section. OH how thrilled I was when I finally ordered her bedding set! It is so beautiful, it’s still in her room, laid out and untouched. I wanted the entire theme and hadn’t purchased it yet, and didn’t know if I would have been able. It’s gorgeous, but pricy, and today it was on clearance. Yes, you all know what I did. I picked up the wall decals, the matching plush blanket, and the crib sheet. They were out of the mobile or i would have gotten that too.
How long will I do this? How long will I keep her things? I don’t know. I feel that I need to have them and hold onto them now. I know at my support group they said do not take anything out until you feel ok to do it. I don’t feel ok about anything now, except a relief that I bought these things. It could be because I am upset that I had to call and cancel my baby registries within a week of setting them up. It could be that I feel so heartbroken that she didn’t have her party, her celebration. I know it’s hard for women that have had their showers to look at the nursery and all the things in preparation that they can’t use. For me, since I didn’t have a shower I am upset about NOT having things for her, to get ready for her. I was waiting for my shower, to see what I needed after, and I feel guilty that I was so focused on money and how to afford my 12 week maternity leave. *sigh* This is a lose-lose situation. The only way to win, to feel better would be for Emily to be alive here with me, and since that is not reality I have to settle for these empty bottles, this empty life without her.