So I met with my hematologist last week and am only now just posting this. I needed to digest and think about the information first, which is something that I tend to do with everything. OK, it is something that I am working hard at doing now before I fly off at the mouth and then think about everything later!
Yoga helps, it helps a lot to learn to calm and relax, starting in the mind into the body. I’m getting better at it, and no, I do not cry anymore. Instead I settle in on my thoughts and just feel them. It’s new and different for me as someone who grew up in an atmosphere of emotional repression and it feels GOOD! I intend to keep up with it.
My hematologist reviewed my information and reiterated the risks of my Factor II mutation. In her words, “I can’t tell you not to get pregnant, but I have to make sure that you are aware of all the risks.” and she did. I am at an increased risk of stroke, heart problems (attack and so on), DVT, PE, severe pre eclampsia that can lead to all of the above. Basically, she wants me to know that I could die from a pregnancy. Hard to hear. I am still dealing with my feelings of bitterness about this. I can’t help but think if it is SOOOO serious (and yes it is but this is my little vent) then WHY is it NOT a routine test for pregnant women? Why was it ok for me to die then, but not now?
She went on to verify that I will be seeing a high risk OB (not a general) and the Perinatal Associates once a pregnancy is confirmed. She doesn’t want me to begin the Lovenox now until a pregnancy is confirmed. I am on a cocktail of prenatal vitamins (with DHA), an extra 200 mg of Folic Acid, and a baby aspirin daily for conception. She said that in case they do not mention this she wants me to know additional risks of a pregnancy regarding the baby (I at first typed fetus because that is what she said, but now I HATE the term fetus. That is a “feel good” way of saying baby because it IS a BABY.) If I develop any stroke, heart, DVT, PE symptoms, protein in the urine and so on too early in the pregnancy it will have to be medically terminated to save my life. If I manage to get far enough along in the pregnancy they will induce me and I’ll have a preemie.
I appreciate the honesty. I’m glad someone finally had the guts to tell me the BAD things that CAN and sometimes DO happen in a pregnancy BEFORE the fact. I wish OBs would do that, so this doesn’t hit us out of nowhere, but instead prepares us to know that sometimes the worst can and does happen. I wonder why my high risk ob didn’t give me that talk during my preconception visit? Why did it have to come from my hematologist? I am thankful that I have her, she is an excellent doctor.
I am still thinking about this. Our plan is to TTC beginning next month. I am preparing my body by reducing caffeine, taking all my pills, exercising, and eating super heathy (I have been channeling Dr. Oz during my meal preparation and consumption.) I read Dr. Oz’s book YOU Having a Baby, and am currently reading Pregnancy After a Loss. As of right now my mind is not changed for TTC. If this pregnancy (providing I do indeed conceive, who know the future) ends badly I am not sure that we will try again. I know that I CAN live through it, and indeed would, but I can’t be completely blind to the medical risks to myself.
I miss Emily each and every day. I think about her each and every day. I would love to have a living child to raise. I would love to have a child that will carry Emily’s memory with them, that would think about and love her too. I hear stories about young children finding their siblings memory box, and going through it and parents having candid talks with their children. I hear (and see) stories of siblings releasing balloons to their sibling that has died. That is so precious. I hope that Emily can have a sibling to do this for her.
Right now I keep thinking of the movie Steel Magnolia in which Shelby (Julia Roberts) tells her mother, “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” I know exactly how she feels.