The Dilemma of TTC

So I met with my hematologist last week and am only now just posting this. I needed to digest and think about the information first, which is something that I tend to do with everything. OK, it is something that I am working hard at doing now before I fly off at the mouth and then think about everything later!

Yoga helps, it helps a lot to learn to calm and relax, starting in the mind into the body. I’m getting better at it, and no, I do not cry anymore. Instead I settle in on my thoughts and just feel them. It’s new and different for me as someone who grew up in an atmosphere of emotional repression and it feels GOOD! I intend to keep up with it.

My hematologist reviewed my information and reiterated the risks of my Factor II mutation. In her words, “I can’t tell you not to get pregnant, but I have to make sure that you are aware of all the risks.” and she did. I am at an increased risk of stroke, heart problems (attack and so on), DVT, PE, severe pre eclampsia that can lead to all of the above. Basically, she wants me to know that I could die from a pregnancy. Hard to hear. I am still dealing with my feelings of bitterness about this. I can’t help but think if it is SOOOO serious (and yes it is but this is my little vent) then WHY is it NOT a routine test for pregnant women? Why was it ok for me to die then, but not now?

She went on to verify that I will be seeing a high risk OB (not a general) and the Perinatal Associates once a pregnancy is confirmed. She doesn’t want me to begin the Lovenox now until a pregnancy is confirmed. I am on a cocktail of prenatal vitamins (with DHA), an extra 200 mg of Folic Acid, and a baby aspirin daily for conception. She said that in case they do not mention this she wants me to know additional risks of a pregnancy regarding the baby (I at first typed fetus because that is what she said, but now I HATE the term fetus. That is a “feel good” way of saying baby because it IS a BABY.) If I develop any stroke, heart, DVT, PE symptoms, protein in the urine and so on too early in the pregnancy it will have to be medically terminated to save my life. If I manage to get far enough along in the pregnancy they will induce me and I’ll have a preemie.

I appreciate the honesty. I’m glad someone finally had the guts to tell me the BAD things that CAN and sometimes DO happen in a pregnancy BEFORE the fact. I wish OBs would do that, so this doesn’t hit us out of nowhere, but instead prepares us to know that sometimes the worst can and does happen. I wonder why my high risk ob didn’t give me that talk during my preconception visit? Why did it have to come from my hematologist? I am thankful that I have her, she is an excellent doctor.

I am still thinking about this. Our plan is to TTC beginning next month. I am preparing my body by reducing caffeine, taking all my pills, exercising, and eating super heathy (I have been channeling Dr. Oz during my meal preparation and consumption.) I read Dr. Oz’s book YOU Having a Baby, and am currently reading Pregnancy After a Loss. As of right now my mind is not changed for TTC. If this pregnancy (providing I do indeed conceive, who know the future) ends badly I am not sure that we will try again. I know that I CAN live through it, and indeed would, but I can’t be completely blind to the medical risks to myself.

I miss Emily each and every day. I think about her each and every day. I would love to have a living child to raise. I would love to have a child that will carry Emily’s memory with them, that would think about and love her too. I hear stories about young children finding their siblings memory box, and going through it and parents having candid talks with their children. I hear (and see) stories of siblings releasing balloons to their sibling that has died. That is so precious. I hope that Emily can have a sibling to do this for her.

Right now I keep thinking of the movie Steel Magnolia in which Shelby (Julia Roberts) tells her mother, “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” I know exactly how she feels.

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About nicole410

This is my story about the journey I am on after the stillborn death of my daughter. I am a teacher and live and work in the Atlanta area. On December 28, 2010 my entire live was turned upside down and sideways when my daughter Emily was born sleeping at 30 weeks and 6 days. I'm struggling and learning how to live without my precious baby girl. I have been diagnosed with Prothrombin Gene mutation, Factor 2 Mutation, a genetic blood clotting disorder.
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5 Responses to The Dilemma of TTC

  1. Sharon says:

    You are so driven and brave! I am sorry that the conditions of the past pregnancy did not stop there and continue to haunt you this time around. I am glad you’re in the care of honest and careful professionals. I will be praying for a quick conception, strong developing baby, and healthy happy mommy. In my heart, I BELIEVE that Emily WILL have and Earthly sibling and you will be there to watch him/her grow up! HUGS friend!

    • maria says:

      nicole, i had no idea you had a blog and am so glad i saw this on facebook tonight! you have such a great attitude and i admire how well you are taking care of yourself and your body…i need to definitely get on the healthy wagon soon.
      i’m glad you have an honest dr who doesn’t sugar coat things…there is nothing worse than a dr who doesn’t just spell it all out for you…
      you’re in my thoughts and prayers ❤
      and what you mentioned from "steel magnolias" made me tear up…so very true
      much love ❤
      maria

  2. Amy von Oven says:

    You are very BRAVE and strong….God is going to get you through this…After my DVT I was also told any pregnancy would be really hard, but the honesty was much needed! As hard as some of the info might be to hear, now you know how to prepare and keep yourself healthy. Did she tell you to wear compression stockings during another pregnancy to help with better blood flow? Being healthy is an A+ in the right direction!

  3. Amy von Oven says:

    I have not seen you on here in a little while. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I have been thinking about you and praying for you….I know things seem really hard right now, but you can do this and you will get through. It is a little scary, but I just published my first book all about Bethany’s death and the hard times I went through during the first year. I pray it can help others who are going through this journey. You can get the info on my blog. I hope you are well….Love, Amy

  4. Shelly says:

    Dear Nicole,
    I just read your story on faces of loss and found your blog. First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Emily Elaine. Such a beautiful name and you seem so strong. I just read your most recent post and I so hope that you are able to conceive and that you have a doctor that will monitor you closely based on your situation. I relate so much to your story as I look back now and think how much I should have pushed more for more monitoring. We are the only advocates for our health during our pregnancies. I will continue to follow you and hope to hear from you. Thinking of you and your Emily as you approach 6 months.

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