Just Say I’m Sorry

Just Say I’m Sorry

– author unknown

You don’t know how I feel; please don’t tell me that you do.
There’s just one way to know–have you lost a child too?
“You’ll have another child” – must I hear this every day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don’t say it was “God’s will” – that’s not the God I know.
Would God, on purpose, break my heart,
then watch as my tears flow?
You have an angel in heaven – a precious child above.
But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love?
“Aren’t you better yet?” Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart aches and I’ll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who has gone through death’s door.
Don’t say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure – and it helps to have you near.
But a simple “I’m sorry you lost your child” is all I need to hear.

 

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20 Things Angel Mommies Wish You Knew

I WISH

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.

12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasnt’t really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby’s body and face. My baby was real person – and he was alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren’t interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

-Author Unknown

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The Loss of a Child

The moment that I knew you had died,

My heart split in two,

The one side filled with memories,

The other died with you.

 

I often lay awake at night,

When the world is fast asleep,

And take a walk down memory lane,

With tears upon my cheek.

 

Remembering you is easy,

I do it every day,

But missing you is a heartache,

That never goes away.

 

I hold you tightly within my heart,

And there you will remain,

Life has gone on without you,

But it never will be the same.

For those who still have their children,

Treat them with tender care,

You will never know the emptiness,

As when you turn and they are not there.

 

Don’t tell me that you understand,

don’t tell me that you know.

 

Don’t tell me that I will survive,

How I will surely grow.

 

Don’t tell me this is just a test,

That I am truly blessed.

 

That I am chosen for the task,

Apart from all the rest.

 

Don’t come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

 

Don’t stand in pious judgment

Of the bonds I must untie,

Don’t tell me how to grieve,

Don’t tell me when to cry.

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, “My friend, I care”.

by (or posted by) Jackie Oliver

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12 Truths about “Coping with the Emotional Aspects of Pregnancy Loss”

12 truths of loosing a child….taken from the article “Coping with the Emotional Aspects of Pregnancy Loss” by Elizabeth Carney

1. The truth isn’t that you will feel “all better” in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth is that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2. The truth isn’t that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

3. The truth isn’t that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.

4. The truth isn’t that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

5. The truth isn’t that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

6. The truth isn’t that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don’t feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh. Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.

7. The truth isn’t that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to “butt in,” or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don’t need to be told, “I’m doing fine” when you’re really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

8. The truth isn’t that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn’t fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, “Why?” Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.

9. The truth isn’t that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

10. The truth isn’t that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn’t have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren’t. You’re human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It’s OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

11. The truth isn’t that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don’t ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won’t. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

12. The truth isn’t that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you’ve successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won’t happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.

Please be gentle with yourself. Learning to navigate the storm can be a brutal ride but the outcome is so worth it….

In care, concern and in the name of healing,
SOBBS

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Relationships

It’s weird, and unpredictable, what happens to relationships after your baby dies. I’ve felt what I have found is common for BLM (baby loss moms). It’s been surprise, disappointment, and a stronger bond with those whom you never expected.

I have been disappointed by some who I thought I could count on, and surprised by a stronger bond that has been developed with others.

After your baby dies it affects EVERY single personal relationship you have. Family, friends, coworkers, dentist, PCP, all the way to the clerk at the grocery store to the person that cuts your hair, threads your eyebrows, or does your mani/pedi. Some people hurt you with what they perceive as kind words. I truly appreciate those who have taken the time to ask, or even look up, what to say.

I have found that the most comforting words are the most simple. “I’m sorry,” or even, “I don’t know what to say.” Even more surprising to me are the times that I have found that I have needed to comfort the other person, when they cry, or keep stumbling over what to say. I never imagined that I would need to comfort other people after my baby died. It is happening less now, as everyone else has moved on and I am stuck in the middle of this muddy quicksand, trying to trudge forward so that I am not sucked down whole. Now all I hear is, “You look great! Oh, you are really small again!” I manage a smile and keep moving, when all I really want is the newly postpartum body that I should have now.

My smiles still feel fake. I have heard months 4-6 are the hardest after your baby dies and I am just shy of 3 months. I have found myself scouring the internet for remembrance sites: baby names in the sand, on the sidewalk, on bricks, Molly Bears, in a church in New York. I have signed up for everything, and am looking for frames so that I can put them up all around the house. I am terrified that she will be forgotten, since everyone else already has forgotten her. I bring her up and people walk away, or make THAT face (BLM, you know the face I am talking about). So my plan is to put her name everyone so I know she mattered, and will be remembered.

The other night I was looking up how to post links for resources (all the Remembrance sites I found) for this blog, as well as looking for a new header and so on. I looked over at Alex, sitting on the side of the couch, quietly watching TV. Right then I knew, and understood. Statistics say 80% of couples break up after the death of a child, and in the beginning I wondered how that was possible. After all, they are the other half of your child, the other parent, the one person who loves your baby as much as you do. Alex has been a steady rock for me, and has always been open in his grieving for Emily. But as I sat here obsessing about my blog, and remembering her, I forgot about him and understood how grief can overwhelm a person, and shut the other out. I promptly closed my laptop and moved to snuggle with him and we watched the movie together.

Relationship are important, and need to be maintained. I am grateful for the ones I have that will last a lifetime.

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SHOES

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

 

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What Makes A Mother- a poem

What Makes A Mother

 

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.. A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby’s not with you?

 

Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.

 

I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today If you could see your child smile with other kids and say “We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here..

 

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day when she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay.

 

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in my home; And this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson is through And on the day that you come home; they’ll be at the gates for you.

 

So, now you see what makes a Mother, it’s the feeling in your heart It’s the Love you had so much of; right from the very start.

 

By Jennifer Wasik

 

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